No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder