Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
i wish we could shoplift online
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.