i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada