i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?