Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
no refunds
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
And now we wait
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy