The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.