This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
This is hilarious….
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*