If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
How about daylight saves us for once
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Oh thanks BBC.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was