Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
You Might Also Like
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory