I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
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Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Challenge accepted.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁