this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
The options really are this bad
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I ate everything, including the H.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard