Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
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I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”