What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
be careful
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”