*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
it be like that
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.