Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
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My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.