You Might Also Like
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird