When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.