Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
sensitive skin
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.