I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler