do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Dolls on drugs
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing