A sick whale is called an unwhale
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It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome