*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
How software testing works
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?