Rich people don’t understand cereal
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We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.