INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
You Might Also Like
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
no one ever comes back
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying