twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
man i love columbo
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.