Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
You Might Also Like
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
These 3D printers are insane!
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog