ok like just. call me at this point
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I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
he was correct
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.