My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Gross if literal…Liverpool
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog