Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.