Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Good morning.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]