Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
You Might Also Like
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.