Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
You Might Also Like
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.