Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!