Sign of the day..
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.