Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
You Might Also Like
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.