“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Nice try, poison.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.