Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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Okey dokey.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing