Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
#dalle2
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.