Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!