My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack đ
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if Iâll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Youâll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: Iâm not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so Iâm really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like youâve had a good run.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isnât Miss âGet Off That Computerâ Years 1994 to 2006
Me buying fruit and veg
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a signâI love ceilingsâ
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishmâ
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.