[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids