[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”