“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I think we should hear other voices.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.