The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf