Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Carpe DM
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?