Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
All generalizations are stupid.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
The pasta is now
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.