My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[montage of me giving-up]
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals