Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Follow me for more recipes
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Mmmm. Shoeshi
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I love twitter
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.