*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker