At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Cheer up.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.